You know what really grinds my gears? Heated seats. Here are my top 3 reasons why:

1.) Women Love Them - most guys I know think they’re “okay” or “nice when it’s subzero outside to keep you at a temperature capable of sustaining life until your car heats up enough to take over the job”. Women, however, seem to think they’re “the best thing since sliced bread” and they “wouldn’t own a car without them”.

Why does this aggravate me? Simple, it’s just one more reason women differ from men. Why does that matter? Because the more women differ from men, the less I understand them and consequently the more I want to kill myself every time I try to.

2.) They remind me of heated steering wheels, an option that should be available on every car in the world but isn’t (even though heated seats are available on most)

Think about it, you’re wearing underwear - hell maybe even long underwear in addition to your pants, but chances are you’re not wearing any gloves now are you? Ever tried driving with 0.5″ thick ski gloves on? If you live in a climate cold enough to justify having heated anything then chances are the answer is yes. I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that when you tried it, you likely either A) hit something in the snow or B) came close enough to hitting something that you vowed never to do it again (yet still try it out once or twice every winter).

First BMW got it, introducing it as an option on select cars as part of the cold weather package in the ’90s, now even Cadillac and VW are on board, offering heated steering wheels as an option in some models. ATTENTION CAR COMPANIES: the “people’s car” can now be purchased with a heated steering wheel, why can’t yours? As for BMW, Cadillac, and VW, why not roll it out across your whole product line? I mean for the love of god you ALREADY HAVE THE TECHNOLOGY!

3.) Chances are good that “heated seats” leave your back cold while at the same time make you feel like your ass is going to melt

Why is it that car manufacturers cannot under any circumstances achieve the appropriate ratio between back and butt heating? In the winter time (you know when these things actually get used) people generally wear thick jackets and more layers up top, so heat up the top more than the bottom to compensate. In most cars the back and bottom seat heaters are operated as one. The only exception I can think of is the Cadillac DeVille DTS which features a “back only” button but we’ll get to that later.

Most cars offer no provision to operate the back independently from the bottom, but that doesn’t matter because even if you have a “back only” button you’re still miserable. With only the back heated, your ass gets cold, with both heated on the same setting (as in most cars) your butt boils and your back freezes. It’s lose/lose. I propose separate switches for the back and bottom of the seat.

Oh, and while we’re on the subject of switches, for the love of got please make the low mode actually function as such. There are plenty of us guys out there who may like to have children someday, and boiling their balls can’t possibly be doing them any favors. Do whatever you want with the high setting, but keep the low setting at about 70-75 degrees fahrenheit, you know room temperature. The goal is to warm us up to normal temperature, not cook us. Believe me, we understand that women are always cold and that they love heated seats…but that’s what the higher setting is for, right?

J. L’Monaco