I’ve spent a lot of time reading the LV Lizard blog recently. For those of you who aren’t familiar with LV Lizard, he’s like an uncommercialized version of Tucker Max who actually updates his blog with a relative frequency (unlike me…but I admit that, see the Foto Friday post from two weeks ago: Foto Friday #5 and 6 (because I suck at life and forgot last week))

On that note, I am promising at least 3 updates a week from here on out, but I need your help! Everyone bitches about something on a daily basis, so if you have something humorous to bitch about, please create an account and write a post. In exchange we’ll be happy to throw in a plug for your site, stroke your ego, and/or proclaim your glory

Back on Task: the LV Lizard is hilarious, sharing true stories of sex, cars, strippers, and guns. Last night he posted a picture he took of the things he is planning to take on an upcoming trip to LA, that picture is this week’s Foto Friday:

Now it’s your turn to bitch, so post a comment!

There has been a lot of press in the last 36 hours about Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich, who allegedly attempted to sell an Illinois seat in the United States Senate. The seat was left vacant as a result of the presidential election, leaving the loser governor with the responsibility of filling it.

This really isn’t much of a surprise. The people of Illinois all knew he would be going to jail, but we assumed it wouldn’t be until after his term in office, and nobody really knew what it would be for.

The real issue here that I want an answer to isn’t whether he is guilty, nor is it who will be appointed; the real issue is about those damn Open Road Tolling signs. You see while serving as governor, Blagojevich commissioned parallel road construction on all major Illinois highways. That means if there are two main roads leading south, he made sure both would be under construction at the same time, which is also true for travel to the north and west (there is a lake to the east). This increased both stress and aggravation in addition to travel times.

At the termination of the aforementioned construction, his first Pièce de résistance (before being arrested) was to christen each of those construction sites with this:

Better get out the blue paint...

I had always thought it must have been a huge waste of money to begin with, but now am left wondering how much it will cost the state of Illinois to change all of them, or if I’ll have to buy the paint and do it myself.

Tenemos un sin verguenza,

Juan Luis

Hey Bro! Yo Bro! Wassup Bro?

I must apologize for excessive use of the word “bro” in this post. Using bro this much in any other context would make me a bro, and that in and of itself sickens me. I just wanted you to know how hard this post was to write.

I recently had the displeasure of being acquainted with a couple of these characters and it reminded me how much I really hate them. You know the type: popped collar with the word FRAT on the back of it, taking themselves too seriously for their own good, making general douchebag comments like “NASTY” or “CHYEAHHHHH” (to pronounce that properly, think Mike Jones, but more douchebaggish).

Now I’m serious when I say I’m not typically an angry or hateful person (unless you use abbreviations, but that’s a different story), but I absolutely can not stand people like this. Here’s how you can tell if you or someone else you know is a bro:

1. Frequent/incessant use of the word BRO. (This is your easiest warning sign
2. Consistently hangs out with a guy to girl ratio of at least 3 to 1.
3. Frequent player of beer pong and/or flip cup.
4. Giving high-fives or fist bumps in inappropriate places.
5. Being serious about popping that god damn collar.
6. Uses chewing tobacco and makes sure you know it.
7. Hair styled like a moron (my personal favorite is the faux combover)
8. Always travels in packs (guy/girl ratio of 3 to 1 again).
9. Gets excited over really really dumb things like trips to Taco Bell or other “fine” dining establishments

Now I’d like to enlighten you about a little thing called Nicholas Alexander’s Law of Bros. The theory behind this is that bros tend to draw off each other’s energy and douche-essence, and that leads to more pronounced bro like behavior in groups.

“The probability of bro-like behavior is proportional to the square of potential bros in the area”

For the bros mathematically challenged, what this means is that each person has a basic probability to exhibit bro-like behavior, which varies in intensity depending on how many bros are in the area. Now for some people who are capable of thinking by themselves, this is a very low number. That’s awesome, keep it that way. Other bros factor into the equation like this: If two bros individually have x probability to exhibit bro-like behavior, putting them together will make them each four times as likely to exhibit bro-like behavior. Start adding more to the mix and you have yourself a good ol’ fashioned bro-fest (or maybe even a bromance).

Where X is the probability of someone exhibiting bro-like behavior as an individual and B is the number of people in a group capable of exhibiting bro-like tendencies. “Bro” in this equation represents the probability of any members of the group exhibiting bro-like behavior. It’s a science. Any bro-ologist will tell you this.

If you’re looking to test out how much of a bro you are, just surround yourself with other bros… I would never subject myself to such torture, but you can feel free to go ahead and try if you’re a cast member of jackass. What’s wrong with being a bro, bro? I don’t know, perhaps we should just leave you off in your own little bro-globe, bro-ing it up with all your bros soaring to new heights in the atbrosphere, making fun of the wannabros and brovercoming obstacles with your team of bros. You are more obnoxious than that sentence, and that’s what’s wrong with being a bro, bro.

At the end of the day, these people are absolute morons who can not look past the end of the beer pong table or the unsuspecting drunk slut at your neighborhood frat party to see what complete douche-nozzles they really are. We here at LTMB frown upon bros and all they stand for.

That’s just my opinion though.

Later bros,

Nicholas Alexander.