*Disclaimer* This is not a political post, it doesn’t take stance with any political issues and isn’t at all intended to be partisan toward democrats or republicans.

Like a lot of people, I sincerely hope that the most powerful man in the world-elect is a good president, because that’s what America needs. However, I have a very realistic concept of how much one person (and his team) can fix, despite the power they may have. I’ve met an extraordinary number of people who seem to think that his election to the presidency is on par with the second coming of Christ if you believe in that…this isn’t a religious post either, and that we will all be ’saved’ by his presence in the oval office.I hate to break it to you, but the last administration proved that it is much easier to muck things up than to fix them. Regardless of political standing, this country has more problems now than it did 8 years ago. The metaphor that I like to use is that of a little kid who can throw a fit, and completely trash his bedroom in 15 minutes (or less). Then the mother (or father for you politically correct fools) has to come in and may spend hours cleaning the place up and getting everything back to the way it was. This is the equivalent of the Bush vs. Obama administrations. There is no way, that in 4 years, they will be able to undo all that is wrong with the country today. The media has made this man out to be the solution,painting the picture that we will live in a Utopian society when it’s all said and done. No one can live up to that hype, not even Barack Obama.

So my bitching is this: Stop setting yourself up for disappointment. Be happy (if you’re a Barack fan) with the fact that we’re at least shifting power to a man that completes sentences most of the time. Don’t tell me that I’m a pessimistic moron for not thinking that all of my problems are magically going to vanish in 4 years. Do not tell me I am “Un-American” for writing this entry, I stand by my country despite its shortcomings at the moment, but our current President-Elect is not the only missing link in the chain.-Nick

I spent a great deal of time traveling this past month, and while waiting for various means of transport, I was inundated with people asking me for a cigarette. Maybe it’s the fact that I like to wear black (it’s the new black, get over it) or the fact that I might look like someone from a cigarette ad (they always use the cool and casual type). The truth is that I don’t smoke. I never have, and I’m proud to say I’ve never even taken one puff off of one of those things. However, I do respect peoples’ decision to smoke, so I’m not mean or condescending when I turn down their plea for something I really don’t have, it just makes them smug (smog?).

When I tell you, No, Sorry I don’t have a cigarette, don’t get all pissy and make a face like I just gave you the finger. It is not my fault you did not pick up another pack of cigarettes when you realized you were running low. It is also not my fault they cost almost $8.00/pack in this city. Additionally, making a face will NOT get you a cigarette from me, because I never had the damn thing in the first place.

Hey Bro! Yo Bro! Wassup Bro?

I must apologize for excessive use of the word “bro” in this post. Using bro this much in any other context would make me a bro, and that in and of itself sickens me. I just wanted you to know how hard this post was to write.

I recently had the displeasure of being acquainted with a couple of these characters and it reminded me how much I really hate them. You know the type: popped collar with the word FRAT on the back of it, taking themselves too seriously for their own good, making general douchebag comments like “NASTY” or “CHYEAHHHHH” (to pronounce that properly, think Mike Jones, but more douchebaggish).

Now I’m serious when I say I’m not typically an angry or hateful person (unless you use abbreviations, but that’s a different story), but I absolutely can not stand people like this. Here’s how you can tell if you or someone else you know is a bro:

1. Frequent/incessant use of the word BRO. (This is your easiest warning sign
2. Consistently hangs out with a guy to girl ratio of at least 3 to 1.
3. Frequent player of beer pong and/or flip cup.
4. Giving high-fives or fist bumps in inappropriate places.
5. Being serious about popping that god damn collar.
6. Uses chewing tobacco and makes sure you know it.
7. Hair styled like a moron (my personal favorite is the faux combover)
8. Always travels in packs (guy/girl ratio of 3 to 1 again).
9. Gets excited over really really dumb things like trips to Taco Bell or other “fine” dining establishments

Now I’d like to enlighten you about a little thing called Nicholas Alexander’s Law of Bros. The theory behind this is that bros tend to draw off each other’s energy and douche-essence, and that leads to more pronounced bro like behavior in groups.

“The probability of bro-like behavior is proportional to the square of potential bros in the area”

For the bros mathematically challenged, what this means is that each person has a basic probability to exhibit bro-like behavior, which varies in intensity depending on how many bros are in the area. Now for some people who are capable of thinking by themselves, this is a very low number. That’s awesome, keep it that way. Other bros factor into the equation like this: If two bros individually have x probability to exhibit bro-like behavior, putting them together will make them each four times as likely to exhibit bro-like behavior. Start adding more to the mix and you have yourself a good ol’ fashioned bro-fest (or maybe even a bromance).

Where X is the probability of someone exhibiting bro-like behavior as an individual and B is the number of people in a group capable of exhibiting bro-like tendencies. “Bro” in this equation represents the probability of any members of the group exhibiting bro-like behavior. It’s a science. Any bro-ologist will tell you this.

If you’re looking to test out how much of a bro you are, just surround yourself with other bros… I would never subject myself to such torture, but you can feel free to go ahead and try if you’re a cast member of jackass. What’s wrong with being a bro, bro? I don’t know, perhaps we should just leave you off in your own little bro-globe, bro-ing it up with all your bros soaring to new heights in the atbrosphere, making fun of the wannabros and brovercoming obstacles with your team of bros. You are more obnoxious than that sentence, and that’s what’s wrong with being a bro, bro.

At the end of the day, these people are absolute morons who can not look past the end of the beer pong table or the unsuspecting drunk slut at your neighborhood frat party to see what complete douche-nozzles they really are. We here at LTMB frown upon bros and all they stand for.

That’s just my opinion though.

Later bros,

Nicholas Alexander.

Since I get to bitch and you don’t, you’ll either agree with my bitching and join my various causes against stupidity everywhere, or you’ll hate my rants so much that you will get the general public to stop being complete morons so I don’t have anything more to bitch about. Pick your poison, I really don’t care so long as you Listen To Me Bitch.

Now with that out of the way…

One thing that has been prominently pissing me off lately is the general disrespect for English words in their entirety. To my dismay, some people find it necessary to bring abbreviations and/or internet slang into normal, face to face conversation wherever possible. Just this week I have heard sentences such as:

• Totes yo that was a seds pross, nevs again.

(Translated: That was totally a serious process that I would never like to experience again.)

• Don’t hate cause I like hella abbrevs, lolz 

(Translated: Don’t make fun of me because I like to sound like a complete moron for no good reason, (and then proceed to pronounce “lolz”))

Are you so incredibly lazy that you can’t even speak complete words and sentences? If so, I hereby take away your right to bitch about Latin American immigrants coming in and not speaking English. I know enough Spanish to realize Read the rest of this entry »