I present to you the first Listen To Me Bitch Foto Friday: every Friday, rain or shine we will present you with the photographic depiction of something we wanted to bitch about, but have decided to leave the bitching up to you.

I’ll post a picture every week complete with back story, and leave the bitching in your hands.

A friend and I uncovered this monstrosity while trying to grab a quick bite to eat at a restaurant in a local strip mall, click here to comment and tell us what you think.

What Tipping Once Was
Once upon a time ago (in a decade I certainly don’t remember) tipping wasn’t a required part of daily life. If a waiter performed extremely well, a maitre d led you to an exceptional table, the delivery guy stacked the firewood instead of simply dumping it in a pile in your yard, or the garbage man took the extra can of refuse they received a tip for going above and beyond the normal call of duty.

Why The United States is Stupid
Nowadays in the United States, tipping has lost its true meaning. It is customary (no matter the service) to leave a tip for the waitstaff in a restaurant of approximately 15%, leaving more for exceptional service, or less for sub-par attention. This is stupid, while it allows restaurants pay the waitstaff a below minimum-wage, it defeats the whole purpose behind the “tip”. In most European countries, there is no expectation of a tip, rather it is awarded by choice as a way of saying “thank you” for a waitstaff that goes above and beyond the call of duty…you know, the way it should be!

Tipping Becomes a Shitshow
The other day I arrived downtown via train while it was raining outside. I walked through the outdoor station to the main entrance to get a taxi so that I could reach my final destination. The second I exited the door, I was bombarded by a series of presumably homeless people asking if I needed a cab. Caught off guard I replied yes and seconds later was led to the first cab in the taxi line (where there had been 15+ cabs waiting).

The cab was there, I  knew it was there, and I certainly didn’t need this guy’s help to get into a waiting cab. Then of course the inevitable came. I knew I would have to tip the guy for his unwanted, unneeded, and unappreciated “service”; but then became further annoyed when he said “come on man, make my new year” as if I was going to get into the cab without slipping him some cash.

Please don’t misunderstand, I have absolutely no issue with giving money to homeless people. In fact, I do it all the time. My issue lies in the fact that this gentleman acted like he did me a favor, when in fact he did me a disservice by delaying my departure from the train station thereby keeping me outside longer…in the rain.

This is just one example. In Europe and the USA alike, homless people often point you towards a parking space expecing compensation in return. Although I have seen this be helpful once or twice, 95% of the time it’s been useless. You’re traveling down the street looking for parking, you’ll find the spaces on the street with or without the homeless guy.

While I conceptually admire the fact that they are doing something for money rather than sitting on their asses with a cup begging for it, I would prefer they actually focused their energy on doing something potentially useful like selling newspapers or cleaning windshields, rather than essentially extorting money by making me fear for the well-being of my car while inside the restaurant if I don’t tip them.

Has anyone else had enough of all the stupid Digital Television stuff being advertised? From the federal government advertising the switch from analog to digital, to the infomercial style 3rd party commercials and news media portraying the DTV switch as being the upcoming apocalypse. For those of you who aren’t from the states, or are unfamiliar with this issue, the US Federal Communications Commission (FCC) has mandated that all  stations begin broadcasting using a digital frequency (instead of analogue) effective this coming February.

Most of the propaganda makes it seem like on a certain day in February in 2009, your TV will cease to function. Well I have news for you, in most cases it doesn’t mean anything. That’s right, it’s all a bunch of wasted energy, unless of course you actually watch broadcast television – no cable, no satellite.

I for one don’t know a single person who falls into that category. I’m sure that if I did, they would  have already heard enough about it and taken the proper precautions illustrated in the hilarious video below:

The most ironic thing, is that I have seen a plethora of infomercials, advertisements, and other marketing implements warning poor innocent Americans about the upcoming switch to digital on cable only stations, which means one of two things: either the guys buying ad space in marketing should be fired, or the company is trying to exploit people who don’t understand technology…

Jason

Recently I purchased a new watch and was shortly confronted by one of my least favorite questions: How much was it? What does it matter how much it was? Are you going to buy it for me? I guess not considering I already have it.

To be clear, I’m not talking about when your wife asks you how much something you spent a portion of the family’s fund’s on (because she has a right to ask…and in many cases a right to make you return it as well.) Nor am I talking about when your friend, the fellow watch aficionado asks because he likes it and actually would purchase one for himself depending on the price.

I’m talking about the nosey friend, the one who not so secretly want’s to know how much money you make, how much your “toys” cost, and whether you live on cash or credit.

Alright maybe that was a bit of a stretch, but seriously why don’t these people understand that it’s not any of their business how much the watch, the car, or the autographed picture of Adam West was.

The fact of the matter is that it’s only appropriate to ask “how much” in one of the following scenarios:

1. They’re your accountant or spouse
2. They would actually purchase said item
3. It’s a hot blond asking, and her interest in you is contingent upon the value of said item (in which case you should like, chances are she’s a stripper anyways)

That’s it, otherwise it doesn’t matter. The fact of the matter is the you purchased said item because you liked it, and could afford to justify the associated cost. So, I implore you, next time you’re tempted to ask “how much”, have a little class (I realize this is ironic due to the stripper comment above, just go with it) and just go google it instead of being blatantly nosey and potentially offensive.

Now I know what a lot of you are thinking: Why would Jason L’Monaco be flying commercial…believe me it’s something I ask myself too, but sometimes it just makes sense. On a recent intercontinental flight I not only flew commercial, I flew economy class (a discussion I’d rather not get into). It was on this flight that I was reminded of the following: some civilians don’t understand how to properly exit a seat on a commercial airliner.

It’s understandable that one may have difficulty exiting his or her seat in order to use the lavatory, or perhaps to perform yoga in the aisle (yes it happens, and yes I know someone who does it, but I’m not in the business of naming names). Regardless of the reason you wish to get up, do not under any circumstances even think about touching the seat in front of you. I know it’s there, I know it’s “cushy” looking, don’t touch it ever, period.

Now I realize that most Americans are overweight and don’t exercise (myself included), that said many people in the world don’t possess the coordination or the strength in their core muscles to stand up unassisted, and that’s okay…pathetic but okay. Skinny or fat, old or young, don’t touch the seat in front of you.

The proper method of exiting a seat on a commercial airliner is as follows:

1. Lean forward
2. Grab the armrests (if one is unavailable, substitute your own seat back or bottom cushion, or even the wall if you’re in a window seat)
3. Push up
4. Once standing, use your own row of seats if further assistance is needed (because the chances are good that you’ve either waited for them to get up already, or you’re waking them up regardless in the process of your yoga exodus. There is no sense in aggravating further passengers by using the seats in front of you.)

For the illiterate, here is a horribly photoshopped diagram:

I sincerely hope that this how-to has somehow enlightened those of you who may have been stupid inconsiderate enough to wake up, bother, or otherwise inconvenience the row in front of you.

Always lookin’ out,

Jason

Friday night I went to see the new James Bond Movie: Quantum of Solace. I enjoyed it, but while walking out of the theatre I realized that there is something fundamentally wrong with this movie.

During the “golden days” of Bond, James was a talented spy who would take on multiple men at a time using slightly exaggerated gadgets, come out on top, and then have sex with one or two of his female co-stars. A bit outlandish? Sure, but not completely unrealistic as demonstrated in this 1964 trailer to Goldfinger starring Sean Connery:

The problem I have with the newest bond film, Quantum of Solace, isn’t that it was a bad flick, but rather that all of a sudden Bond magically has superhero skills. Unlike Superman, The Hulk, or even (my personal favorite) the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Bond has always been an everyday man, and I feel that’s how the character should remain. Even in the 2008 trailer for Quantum of Solace below, it can be seen that bond lives through things that would be impossible for any mere mortal to endure:

Bring back the old bond: the gadgets, the girls, and the cars; save the Superman survival abilities for someone else…you know, like SUPERMAN.

Entertained but Disappointed,
L’Monaco

You know what really grinds my gears? Heated seats. Here are my top 3 reasons why:

1.) Women Love Them - most guys I know think they’re “okay” or “nice when it’s subzero outside to keep you at a temperature capable of sustaining life until your car heats up enough to take over the job”. Women, however, seem to think they’re “the best thing since sliced bread” and they “wouldn’t own a car without them”.

Why does this aggravate me? Simple, it’s just one more reason women differ from men. Why does that matter? Because the more women differ from men, the less I understand them and consequently the more I want to kill myself every time I try to.

2.) They remind me of heated steering wheels, an option that should be available on every car in the world but isn’t (even though heated seats are available on most)

Think about it, you’re wearing underwear – hell maybe even long underwear in addition to your pants, but chances are you’re not wearing any gloves now are you? Ever tried driving with 0.5″ thick ski gloves on? If you live in a climate cold enough to justify having heated anything then chances are the answer is yes. I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that when you tried it, you likely either A) hit something in the snow or B) came close enough to hitting something that you vowed never to do it again (yet still try it out once or twice every winter).

First BMW got it, introducing it as an option on select cars as part of the cold weather package in the ’90s, now even Cadillac and VW are on board, offering heated steering wheels as an option in some models. ATTENTION CAR COMPANIES: the “people’s car” can now be purchased with a heated steering wheel, why can’t yours? As for BMW, Cadillac, and VW, why not roll it out across your whole product line? I mean for the love of god you ALREADY HAVE THE TECHNOLOGY!

3.) Chances are good that “heated seats” leave your back cold while at the same time make you feel like your ass is going to melt

Why is it that car manufacturers cannot under any circumstances achieve the appropriate ratio between back and butt heating? In the winter time (you know when these things actually get used) people generally wear thick jackets and more layers up top, so heat up the top more than the bottom to compensate. In most cars the back and bottom seat heaters are operated as one. The only exception I can think of is the Cadillac DeVille DTS which features a “back only” button but we’ll get to that later.

Most cars offer no provision to operate the back independently from the bottom, but that doesn’t matter because even if you have a “back only” button you’re still miserable. With only the back heated, your ass gets cold, with both heated on the same setting (as in most cars) your butt boils and your back freezes. It’s lose/lose. I propose separate switches for the back and bottom of the seat.

Oh, and while we’re on the subject of switches, for the love of got please make the low mode actually function as such. There are plenty of us guys out there who may like to have children someday, and boiling their balls can’t possibly be doing them any favors. Do whatever you want with the high setting, but keep the low setting at about 70-75 degrees fahrenheit, you know room temperature. The goal is to warm us up to normal temperature, not cook us. Believe me, we understand that women are always cold and that they love heated seats…but that’s what the higher setting is for, right?

J. L’Monaco

I moved into a new house about 6 months ago and began shopping for TV providers. I called 4 providers (cable and sattelite) and ended up choosing one of the cable companies.

Part of the quotation process is providing them with your home phone number so that they can determine exactly where you are geographically and thus provide you with the right information. They do not, however, always ask for your name.

So here it is 6 months later and I’ve recieved 3 of the letters pictured below. Look who it’s addressed to: not only is it impersonal, but what are the odds that I’d still be in the market?

Return to Sender, Dfdfd Dfdfd Doesn't Live Here

No I don’t really think this is the cause of economic downturn..but I did think it was funny that I keep getting these letters which are obviously nothing more than wasted money on their end so I figured I would share as a contrast to all of the Obama/McCain/Election BS on every other site I’ve visited today.

Get out there and vote, if you can, if you want to,

J.L.

Two days ago I decided to take advantage of the last few days of warm weather this season and barbecue, so I did what any reasonable man would do – got in the car, drove to the grocery store to pick up some meat, and $220 later returned home. No I didn’t buy $220 worth of meat, I’m not that Manly or carnivorous, but that’s what happens when you go to the grocery store hungry. I was so hungry in fact that I picked up fast food on the way home because after an hour and a half at the store I had no interest in waiting for the ribs I bought to cook.

Last night I was all set to barbecue: it was a beautiful evening and I had all the ingredients. I opened up the first slab, seasoned it accordingly, and moved right on to slab #2. But the second slab just didn’t smell right. My first thought was: be a man, any bacteria will burn up when it hits the grill; but no I wussed out and went back to the store because the slab was obviously spoiled.

I hate returning food because years ago while in high school, I bagged groceries for “a living” and used to watch everyone from whiny old ladies to poor families who couldn’t afford to eat return food (they were able to eat half of an item and return it) and something about that scarred me for life.

I walked in to the store, stopped at the service counter and told the woman working there that I had purchased the ribs the day before and they smelled funny. To which she responded: “Well did they taste okay?” Yea they did, I just thought I’d make a special trip here to let you know that. I also took the liberty of re-forming the slab to hide the missing portion that I ate, why don’t you stick your face in there and let me know how they taste.

Thank god she isn’t out building bridges or something…

If in doubt, throw it out (or return it I guess),

Jason

I saw an ad for a car I was interested in this morning and emailed the private party selling the car to ask what options were on it. The response I received said: “as for the options, please see the additional pictures below”. Annoyed, I looked expecting to see detailed shots. What I saw were the same pictures I had seen in the ad, but larger in size. I’m trying to buy a car here, not play Where’s Waldo or decipher a Magic Eye puzzle.

After a few minutes studying the interior picture it all made sense — the car had no options, not a single one. One would think this guy would have the common courtesy to tell me it’s a base car instead of wasting my time playing hide and seek while he risks aggravating me and losing a potential customer.