Now I know what a lot of you are thinking: Why would Jason L’Monaco be flying commercial…believe me it’s something I ask myself too, but sometimes it just makes sense. On a recent intercontinental flight I not only flew commercial, I flew economy class (a discussion I’d rather not get into). It was on this flight that I was reminded of the following: some civilians don’t understand how to properly exit a seat on a commercial airliner.

It’s understandable that one may have difficulty exiting his or her seat in order to use the lavatory, or perhaps to perform yoga in the aisle (yes it happens, and yes I know someone who does it, but I’m not in the business of naming names). Regardless of the reason you wish to get up, do not under any circumstances even think about touching the seat in front of you. I know it’s there, I know it’s “cushy” looking, don’t touch it ever, period.

Now I realize that most Americans are overweight and don’t exercise (myself included), that said many people in the world don’t possess the coordination or the strength in their core muscles to stand up unassisted, and that’s okay…pathetic but okay. Skinny or fat, old or young, don’t touch the seat in front of you.

The proper method of exiting a seat on a commercial airliner is as follows:

1. Lean forward
2. Grab the armrests (if one is unavailable, substitute your own seat back or bottom cushion, or even the wall if you’re in a window seat)
3. Push up
4. Once standing, use your own row of seats if further assistance is needed (because the chances are good that you’ve either waited for them to get up already, or you’re waking them up regardless in the process of your yoga exodus. There is no sense in aggravating further passengers by using the seats in front of you.)

For the illiterate, here is a horribly photoshopped diagram:

I sincerely hope that this how-to has somehow enlightened those of you who may have been stupid inconsiderate enough to wake up, bother, or otherwise inconvenience the row in front of you.

Always lookin’ out,

Jason

Even after reading Jason’s so-so Quantum of Solace Review I had to go and see it. I agree with pretty much everything posted in both the review and the comments, and like everyone else thought it was worth seeing, but certainly not the greatest Bond film.

I’m not here to talk about the movie, I’m here to talk about the horrendous act that occurred following it. At the conclusion of this film, like many films before it, the audience began to applaud. This is absolutely unacceptable and should not be tolerated by society.

I have nothing against applause, when people are showing their approval or appreciation for a performance. Be it a speech, presentation, play, musical, or even simply to recognize someone’s outstanding behavior. What I have a problem with is the fact that when you go see a movie the performers aren’t present, they’re more than likely 1,000’s of miles away, completely unaware of your applause or even your existence.

Are these people applauding for the screen? Which did such an amazing job remaining on the wall for the entire movie? Perhaps they’re applauding for the projectionist who did such an exemplary job, even though  chances are she was doing her homework the whole time, was up there making out with the popcorn guy (or girl), or just plain fell asleep two hours ago? There is nobody there, don’t applaud! Just walk out of the theatre and start looking for the people who didn’t understand the movie, or sit in your seat and awkwardly watch the credits.

In summary: only applaud when the performer is actually present to experience the appreciation you’re expressing.

Un Saludo,

Juan Luis

Hey Bro! Yo Bro! Wassup Bro?

I must apologize for excessive use of the word “bro” in this post. Using bro this much in any other context would make me a bro, and that in and of itself sickens me. I just wanted you to know how hard this post was to write.

I recently had the displeasure of being acquainted with a couple of these characters and it reminded me how much I really hate them. You know the type: popped collar with the word FRAT on the back of it, taking themselves too seriously for their own good, making general douchebag comments like “NASTY” or “CHYEAHHHHH” (to pronounce that properly, think Mike Jones, but more douchebaggish).

Now I’m serious when I say I’m not typically an angry or hateful person (unless you use abbreviations, but that’s a different story), but I absolutely can not stand people like this. Here’s how you can tell if you or someone else you know is a bro:

1. Frequent/incessant use of the word BRO. (This is your easiest warning sign
2. Consistently hangs out with a guy to girl ratio of at least 3 to 1.
3. Frequent player of beer pong and/or flip cup.
4. Giving high-fives or fist bumps in inappropriate places.
5. Being serious about popping that god damn collar.
6. Uses chewing tobacco and makes sure you know it.
7. Hair styled like a moron (my personal favorite is the faux combover)
8. Always travels in packs (guy/girl ratio of 3 to 1 again).
9. Gets excited over really really dumb things like trips to Taco Bell or other “fine” dining establishments

Now I’d like to enlighten you about a little thing called Nicholas Alexander’s Law of Bros. The theory behind this is that bros tend to draw off each other’s energy and douche-essence, and that leads to more pronounced bro like behavior in groups.

“The probability of bro-like behavior is proportional to the square of potential bros in the area”

For the bros mathematically challenged, what this means is that each person has a basic probability to exhibit bro-like behavior, which varies in intensity depending on how many bros are in the area. Now for some people who are capable of thinking by themselves, this is a very low number. That’s awesome, keep it that way. Other bros factor into the equation like this: If two bros individually have x probability to exhibit bro-like behavior, putting them together will make them each four times as likely to exhibit bro-like behavior. Start adding more to the mix and you have yourself a good ol’ fashioned bro-fest (or maybe even a bromance).

Where X is the probability of someone exhibiting bro-like behavior as an individual and B is the number of people in a group capable of exhibiting bro-like tendencies. “Bro” in this equation represents the probability of any members of the group exhibiting bro-like behavior. It’s a science. Any bro-ologist will tell you this.

If you’re looking to test out how much of a bro you are, just surround yourself with other bros… I would never subject myself to such torture, but you can feel free to go ahead and try if you’re a cast member of jackass. What’s wrong with being a bro, bro? I don’t know, perhaps we should just leave you off in your own little bro-globe, bro-ing it up with all your bros soaring to new heights in the atbrosphere, making fun of the wannabros and brovercoming obstacles with your team of bros. You are more obnoxious than that sentence, and that’s what’s wrong with being a bro, bro.

At the end of the day, these people are absolute morons who can not look past the end of the beer pong table or the unsuspecting drunk slut at your neighborhood frat party to see what complete douche-nozzles they really are. We here at LTMB frown upon bros and all they stand for.

That’s just my opinion though.

Later bros,

Nicholas Alexander.

Friday night I went to see the new James Bond Movie: Quantum of Solace. I enjoyed it, but while walking out of the theatre I realized that there is something fundamentally wrong with this movie.

During the “golden days” of Bond, James was a talented spy who would take on multiple men at a time using slightly exaggerated gadgets, come out on top, and then have sex with one or two of his female co-stars. A bit outlandish? Sure, but not completely unrealistic as demonstrated in this 1964 trailer to Goldfinger starring Sean Connery:

The problem I have with the newest bond film, Quantum of Solace, isn’t that it was a bad flick, but rather that all of a sudden Bond magically has superhero skills. Unlike Superman, The Hulk, or even (my personal favorite) the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Bond has always been an everyday man, and I feel that’s how the character should remain. Even in the 2008 trailer for Quantum of Solace below, it can be seen that bond lives through things that would be impossible for any mere mortal to endure:

Bring back the old bond: the gadgets, the girls, and the cars; save the Superman survival abilities for someone else…you know, like SUPERMAN.

Entertained but Disappointed,
L’Monaco

Chances are good that if you’re receiving calls from bill collectors then you likely don’t have the money to pay them in the first place. The economy is bad and many people are falling on hard times.

I would venture to guess that anyone having money issues doesn’t want to be reminded of them by frequent calls (or emails) by obnoxious bill collectors. It’s like adding insult to injury, rubbing salt in the wound, or any other appropriate saying…the point is that it’s unnecessary and if you don’t have the money in the first place, it’s a lost cause.

My theory with respect to telemarketers has always been that anyone can hang up on them so why not try to get them to hang up on me. I figured if they were going to try to waste my time and generally speaking interrupt my dinner, I might as well return the favor by wasting their time while simultaneously amusing myself.

On that note, David Thorne of 27bslash6.com has a brilliant method for dealing with these potentially uncomfortable, and certainly annoying situations:

Credit to David Thorne of 27bslash6.com

You know what really grinds my gears? Heated seats. Here are my top 3 reasons why:

1.) Women Love Them - most guys I know think they’re “okay” or “nice when it’s subzero outside to keep you at a temperature capable of sustaining life until your car heats up enough to take over the job”. Women, however, seem to think they’re “the best thing since sliced bread” and they “wouldn’t own a car without them”.

Why does this aggravate me? Simple, it’s just one more reason women differ from men. Why does that matter? Because the more women differ from men, the less I understand them and consequently the more I want to kill myself every time I try to.

2.) They remind me of heated steering wheels, an option that should be available on every car in the world but isn’t (even though heated seats are available on most)

Think about it, you’re wearing underwear - hell maybe even long underwear in addition to your pants, but chances are you’re not wearing any gloves now are you? Ever tried driving with 0.5″ thick ski gloves on? If you live in a climate cold enough to justify having heated anything then chances are the answer is yes. I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that when you tried it, you likely either A) hit something in the snow or B) came close enough to hitting something that you vowed never to do it again (yet still try it out once or twice every winter).

First BMW got it, introducing it as an option on select cars as part of the cold weather package in the ’90s, now even Cadillac and VW are on board, offering heated steering wheels as an option in some models. ATTENTION CAR COMPANIES: the “people’s car” can now be purchased with a heated steering wheel, why can’t yours? As for BMW, Cadillac, and VW, why not roll it out across your whole product line? I mean for the love of god you ALREADY HAVE THE TECHNOLOGY!

3.) Chances are good that “heated seats” leave your back cold while at the same time make you feel like your ass is going to melt

Why is it that car manufacturers cannot under any circumstances achieve the appropriate ratio between back and butt heating? In the winter time (you know when these things actually get used) people generally wear thick jackets and more layers up top, so heat up the top more than the bottom to compensate. In most cars the back and bottom seat heaters are operated as one. The only exception I can think of is the Cadillac DeVille DTS which features a “back only” button but we’ll get to that later.

Most cars offer no provision to operate the back independently from the bottom, but that doesn’t matter because even if you have a “back only” button you’re still miserable. With only the back heated, your ass gets cold, with both heated on the same setting (as in most cars) your butt boils and your back freezes. It’s lose/lose. I propose separate switches for the back and bottom of the seat.

Oh, and while we’re on the subject of switches, for the love of got please make the low mode actually function as such. There are plenty of us guys out there who may like to have children someday, and boiling their balls can’t possibly be doing them any favors. Do whatever you want with the high setting, but keep the low setting at about 70-75 degrees fahrenheit, you know room temperature. The goal is to warm us up to normal temperature, not cook us. Believe me, we understand that women are always cold and that they love heated seats…but that’s what the higher setting is for, right?

J. L’Monaco

Have you ever gone to the grocery store feeling blissful and at ease only to come out of the store snarling and moody, ready to go off on someone like a loose cannon? I know I have. When shopping at the grocery store, do you really think it’s that difficult to move your cart aside and let other people go by? Sometimes, it is almost as if people feel they are royalty and need not to respond to you when you say “excuse me, please.” This of course has no effect until you voice it loudly and with a touch of attitude; only then do people actually make the effort to move.

For a moment you feel satisfied, but then it happens. You are met by their gaze, a face immersed in disgust and disbelief. How dare you address them using a tone that is anything less than perfectly pleasant?

Or perhaps you have had the pleasure of experiencing the I am going to read everything on the food label before taking an extra 5 minutes to decide whether or not I want to place said item in my cart people. I must admit, I am absolutely one of those people, BUT what seems to be the difference between me and the rest of the group is that the word courteous is incorporated into my vocabulary. Is it really that hard to step aside while reading the food labels when you know someone is behind you trying to look at the product you’re standing in the way of? Come on people, let’s be a little bit more courteous and thoughtful toward one another and move out of the damn way. Perhaps if we did just that, there would be a lesser feeling of wanting to explode like a nuclear bomb after an average trip to the grocery store.

Alright that’s enough for now; I’m off to the store.

Kaylie

I moved into a new house about 6 months ago and began shopping for TV providers. I called 4 providers (cable and sattelite) and ended up choosing one of the cable companies.

Part of the quotation process is providing them with your home phone number so that they can determine exactly where you are geographically and thus provide you with the right information. They do not, however, always ask for your name.

So here it is 6 months later and I’ve recieved 3 of the letters pictured below. Look who it’s addressed to: not only is it impersonal, but what are the odds that I’d still be in the market?

Return to Sender, Dfdfd Dfdfd Doesn't Live Here

No I don’t really think this is the cause of economic downturn..but I did think it was funny that I keep getting these letters which are obviously nothing more than wasted money on their end so I figured I would share as a contrast to all of the Obama/McCain/Election BS on every other site I’ve visited today.

Get out there and vote, if you can, if you want to,

J.L.

As licensed drivers, we know the laws and understand that pedestrians have the right of way. What really pisses me off is when I stop to allow a pedestrian to cross the street only to have them try to wave me across. I clearly stopped to let the pedestrian cross the street and fulfill my good deed for the day, but now they’re trying to ruin that for me.

So what do I do? I wave them across; after all, I’m the more important person since I am in a vehicle that could easily kill them and thus should have the power in this situation. However, 9 times out of 10, the pedestrian insists that I proceed before them. This really pisses me off because spend more time waving at each other than it takes to actually cross the freaking street.

The other aggravating part is that it always ends the same way - I finally give in and proceed slowly into the intersection; but of course right when I start to accelerate, the pedestrian decides to walk across. Now we both see one another moving and stop to continue our game of hand gestures.

Not only does this waste my time, but it makes me feel inferior. I should always be superior to a pedestrian when I am a motor vehicle.

The only time it is okay for a pedestrian to motion me on or tell me what to do, is a crossing guard at a school, a police officer, a construction worker, or anyone else who wears a reflective vest that pretends to imply authority. Other than that, there really aren’t any exceptions. I am the car… I have more power.. I will tell YOU what to do.

<3 Lilian