Two days ago I decided to take advantage of the last few days of warm weather this season and barbecue, so I did what any reasonable man would do - got in the car, drove to the grocery store to pick up some meat, and $220 later returned home. No I didn’t buy $220 worth of meat, I’m not that Manly or carnivorous, but that’s what happens when you go to the grocery store hungry. I was so hungry in fact that I picked up fast food on the way home because after an hour and a half at the store I had no interest in waiting for the ribs I bought to cook.

Last night I was all set to barbecue: it was a beautiful evening and I had all the ingredients. I opened up the first slab, seasoned it accordingly, and moved right on to slab #2. But the second slab just didn’t smell right. My first thought was: be a man, any bacteria will burn up when it hits the grill; but no I wussed out and went back to the store because the slab was obviously spoiled.

I hate returning food because years ago while in high school, I bagged groceries for “a living” and used to watch everyone from whiny old ladies to poor families who couldn’t afford to eat return food (they were able to eat half of an item and return it) and something about that scarred me for life.

I walked in to the store, stopped at the service counter and told the woman working there that I had purchased the ribs the day before and they smelled funny. To which she responded: “Well did they taste okay?” Yea they did, I just thought I’d make a special trip here to let you know that. I also took the liberty of re-forming the slab to hide the missing portion that I ate, why don’t you stick your face in there and let me know how they taste.

Thank god she isn’t out building bridges or something…

If in doubt, throw it out (or return it I guess),

Jason

I thought LTMB could use a little bit of ethnicity in the mix, entonces aqui estoy! (so here I am)

I was at the hardware store yesterday picking up a couple of items. It’s a moderately sized, privately owned local hardware store so there was only one register open with approximately 5 or so people in line. At first I reacted in the standard American manor we all know and love - I was annoyed. How dare I have to wait an extra 2 minutes to check out. Then I realized it wasn’t so bad: it smelled like popcorn, I wasn’t stuck in traffic, and of course there was all sorts of amusing useless shit in the checkout line aimed at impulse buyers (like anti-monkey butt powder, pictured above)

20 seconds after I got in line this “professional” looking guy walks over. I don’t mean a guy in a suit, I mean a tradesman, a guy who clearly makes his living doing hardware store type stuff, a carpenter, gc, painter, plumber, something like that. He proceeded past the line in formed at checkstand #1 to the service counter where he demanded they open another register. He then walked to register #4 (because why would they open up two checkstands right next to each other, that would make too much sense and I’m sure there’s a union rule against it somewhere).

2 Minutes later, he was still over there all by himself and decided to go bitch at the service desk again (not realizing that the people there were taking their sweet time because he was being a jagbag).

So here this guy thinks that he’s more important than everyone else in line, as well as everyone working at the store. Consequently not only did he whine until they opened a new register cut everyone else who had already been waiting in line patiently, but he also only saved himself at most 10 seconds (since he still finished after me, where he would have been anyways) and got flicked off by an 80 year old woman in the parking lot as she got into her Olds 88.

I wish I thought I was better than everyone else in the world, that guy must really have some great self esteem. Hopefully he’ll get his one day when he’s on the other side of the coin. As the golden rule says treat others as you wish to be treated”

Un Saludo, (best wishes)

Juan Luis

I saw an ad for a car I was interested in this morning and emailed the private party selling the car to ask what options were on it. The response I received said: “as for the options, please see the additional pictures below”. Annoyed, I looked expecting to see detailed shots. What I saw were the same pictures I had seen in the ad, but larger in size. I’m trying to buy a car here, not play Where’s Waldo or decipher a Magic Eye puzzle.

After a few minutes studying the interior picture it all made sense — the car had no options, not a single one. One would think this guy would have the common courtesy to tell me it’s a base car instead of wasting my time playing hide and seek while he risks aggravating me and losing a potential customer.

I have about 500 friends on Facebook, I would say of that number 150 are good friends/family of mine, another 250 are acquaintances — not quite friends, but certainly friendly. The remaining 50 are likely to be girls or other people whose friendship I accepted in order to see their profiles and/or pictures.

For some reason, people I know barely or sometimes not at all insist on adding me as their friend on facebook. Lets be clear, I’m not talking about the guy you met through a mutual friend at a group dinner last week who you spent a good hour talking to about cars/watches/sports/whatever and are friendly and, on the fast track to becoming friends. Nor am I talking about the girl you met while out at the bar yesterday night that you spent 2 hours talking to/hitting on/making out with.

I’m talking about a month ago when you went to your friend’s birthday party with a female friend of yours and were introduced to a girl who you didn’t want to talk to. You answered her repeated questions with one word responses, all the time trying to pull away from her; you weren’t interested, hell you were even there with another girl! Yet magically when you finally did pull away, “What’s your last name so I can add you on Facebook?” she asked. You’ve had more than enough by now, and throw her a fake, but memorable last name. Yet amazingly after conveying nothing but disinterest and providing half a fake name when you friend tags her birthday pictures on Facebook 2 weeks later, she finds you and insists on adding you as a friend.

I’m also talking about the guy who happens to be a member of an internet forum you frequent. He finds your profile through someone else on the forum who you actually are friends with and assumes that since he knows who you are and you may even know him by his username, that you know his first and last name and consider him to be a friend of yours.

Even better than that guy, is the guy who doesn’t know you at all, but adds you because you have a common friend, and they insist on having 17,345 “friends“ on Facebook. You deny him, and what does he do? Adds you again 3weeks later, then another 3 weeks later, then 2 months later because clearly you must have made a mistake….twice. By the way, a thank you to Facebook for finally adding a “block” option; (as can be seen in the picture below) it is much appreciated and has not gone unnoticed.

This is how the friend request screen should look...no offense Nicholas

To those of you who have been using Facebook since it’s inception, or at least for a long time remember that once upon a time ago when someone requested your friendship you were given two options: Accept and Deny (which functioned as ignore). Recently, Facebook changed this to the more politically correct sounding ignore. I propose a change to the Facebook friend approval options: Accept, Ignore, and Deny, only this time deny should not only deny the request, but also feature a blank for you to inform the sender of the denial (like every other denial in society: credit applications, health insurance, etc). I would also like the opportunity to cite a specific reason such as: I don’t know who you are, you’re an annoyance, it says friends…which we’re not, yea I know we slept together but it just wasn’t good enough to repeat, etc.

Your Friend,
Jason

A few days ago I was at an event taking place in a highschool auditorium. I arrived about a half hour early and proceeded to take a seat in the auditorium and wait for the rest of my friends to arrive. Earlier in the day, I had come across a used car I was interested in buying, and figured since I had 30+ minutes of time to kill, I may as well put it to good use so I took out my iPhone and began researching the market value the car on edmunds.com.

For those of you unfamiliar with edmunds.com, clicking on the above picture should help you to visualize / understand the rest of this story.

So there I was, minding my own business checking boxes next to the options this particular vehicle is equipped with: Navigation, heated seats, leather interior and then all of a sudden I hear a voice behind me, reading each option as I checked it then saying things like “automatic headlamps, yea those are very important, whatever would we do without those”. I turned around to see a 50 year old man Read the rest of this entry »

Since I get to bitch and you don’t, you’ll either agree with my bitching and join my various causes against stupidity everywhere, or you’ll hate my rants so much that you will get the general public to stop being complete morons so I don’t have anything more to bitch about. Pick your poison, I really don’t care so long as you Listen To Me Bitch.

Now with that out of the way…

One thing that has been prominently pissing me off lately is the general disrespect for English words in their entirety. To my dismay, some people find it necessary to bring abbreviations and/or internet slang into normal, face to face conversation wherever possible. Just this week I have heard sentences such as:

• Totes yo that was a seds pross, nevs again.

(Translated: That was totally a serious process that I would never like to experience again.)

• Don’t hate cause I like hella abbrevs, lolz 

(Translated: Don’t make fun of me because I like to sound like a complete moron for no good reason, (and then proceed to pronounce “lolz”))

Are you so incredibly lazy that you can’t even speak complete words and sentences? If so, I hereby take away your right to bitch about Latin American immigrants coming in and not speaking English. I know enough Spanish to realize Read the rest of this entry »

Welcome to Listen To Me Bitch, (LTMB for short). The site is pretty self explanatory: when you point your browser to www.ListenToMeBitch.com you do just that, listen to me, or rather us, bitch. Some of you may be a bit confused, so I’ll elaborate:

bitch [bich]
intransitive verb
Slang. to complain; gripe: They bitched about the service, then about the bill. (dictionary.com)

I appologize to those of you who typed in http://www.listentomebitch.com expecting to find a site called Listen To Me, Bitch using the word bitch as a noun rather than a verb as follows:

bitch [bich]
noun
1. a female dog.
2. a female of canines generally.
3. Slang. a. a malicious, unpleasant, selfish person, esp. a woman. b. a lewd woman. (dictionary.com)

We here at LTMB respect women, well at least until they cut us off in traffic, pick a fight with us in line at the supermarket, or begin talking without permission (just kidding). Truth be told, those are all the first two are things that could be done by men as well, and we here at LTMB do not discriminate. Although you will find plenty of adult language, we will do our best to leave any sexism, racism, or other bigotry on the editing room floor if you’re lucky. So feel free to tell your bitch what to do in your own home, just make sure to take her for walks once in a while, give her food and water, etc. (For those of you who haven’t figured it out yet, I’m talking about bitch as in a female dog, not a woman)